My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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