hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
