My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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