barbara walters just said penis...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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