My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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