So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
