i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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