why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
