Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
