quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
