Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
