he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
