Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
