he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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