I'm going to jail i love you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
