I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
