Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
