ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize