My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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