Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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