Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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