Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
