She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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