Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
