Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
