I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
