We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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