Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
