my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
