he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
