I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
