This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
