Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
