I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
