Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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