weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
