o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
