We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
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He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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