i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
