you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
