currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
