batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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