I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
