i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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