im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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