You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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