turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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