dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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