Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
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If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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