dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
porn star boner night. come get it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize