I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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