2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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