70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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