I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
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I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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