Best friends brother. Beat that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
