Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
